Settle in because after missing last week's Sunday, I'm feeling all introspective and there's bound to be a tangent on the horizon. It's going to be a bit messy over the next month or so, until I make some big changed to everything going forward.
First though, I'll include some more pics of current painting progress, which is stalling a little thanks to recent events. It's the hardest thing to explain to someone who doesn't understand, but creating something worthwhile isn't a switch that can be turned on and off, so there are times when nothing measurable happens. I guess it's a good way to point out that even when nothing visible is happening, there are other forces at work.
Speaking of forces, I've been having one of those little hiccups in life where you get the opportunity to sit back and get all thinky. Lately I've been redefining authenticity and acceptance, which has always been a part of life for me, and something I think about often. Probably because I've always felt like an outsider and struggled to belong and make friends (which may be a shared experience, but it's not one that we talk about much hey?).
When I was a weird kid who never fit in, I was often told to "play the game", as a way to combat my discomfort. It was basically a bit of well-intentioned advice from adults who knew that things like school and childhood pass eventually. So their solution was for me to essentially fake it 'til I'd made it. Even if it didn't feel authentic to who I was, if I played along and took part in the "game" of life, I'd probably have a better time.
I'm not about to say whether or not that was good advice at the time, because in some ways it really did help me get on with things. However, it's important to also recognise that we grow and change as we evolve into potentially wiser and more experienced beings. At least that's the hope, but I'm sure we could all point out adults who could do with a bit of evolution despite their years.
Throughout my twenties and most of my thirties, I've kind of held onto the belief that I need to adjust my behaviour a little in order to fit in. This was mostly because whenever I stuck to my truest authentic self, it confused people and still does to this day. My natural state of being isn't all that conducive with the norm, so I've ended up in a pattern of behaviour that's somewhere between authenticity and acceptability.
After all, it's only on rare occasions with a few individuals that I've found I can completely be myself without ridicule or awkward interactions. I'm sure I'm not all that weird, but it does seem to be a common experience that I'm seeking to resolve, so maybe it's not all that common. Maybe it is. I don't know. It doesn't change anything either way.
The point is that it's taken me this long to realise that I don't really need to play the game anymore. It used to be a way to get through life and make it through the day when all I wanted to do was disappear and avoid the inevitable criticism and teasing that always came my way. Despite learning how to be confident in myself and happy with who I am, I still find it hard to be myself entirely, which I think is an insult to myself and to others.
I also think this is largely an issue related to solitude as well, which would befall many others if they hadn't found long term companionship. I've never been someone to simply "settle" and have had many relationships that could have continued, but I wouldn't have been happy. It's not that I'm fussy, it's just that I'd rather be alone than unhappy. However, my point is that I know if I had a partner to share life with, a lot of this stuff would become a non-issue.
After all, it's easy to be yourself when there's someone who has your back. I completely understand not giving a shit about other people's opinions when there's someone else on your team. As it stands though, I'm still a team of one, which is all good and nothing to get too bothered by, but it means I have to stand on my own and have my own back.
Hence why I've been puzzling it out in my head and deciding that I don't really need to bother anyway. Whether I stand alone or with others, the requirement needs to be the same. I hate playing the game and putting more effort into "fitting in" than being happy, so I now choose happiness.
If that means that some people get confused or get the wrong idea about who I am, then so be it. At the end of the day I know I'm an honest and open person who has a lot to offer, so like-minded folk will pick up on it easily. Everything else in life ends up being nothing more than noise as my influence can only extend to that which I touch.
Better to spend time creating joy and being valued by ourselves and others, than trying to "be" something that takes any actual effort. I'm all for self-improvement and ironing out the creases in life, but the honest and authentic parts that never harm anyone else are welcome to stay. Thankfully it's a self-reinforcing prophecy, as the more time we live as true beings, the easier it is to maintain and the more joy it brings.
On a more technical note: the upcoming weeks will probably focus largely on how the site is going to change, as well as more details about "that big project", which is finally about to be revealed. Things will be a little messy until it's all done with, so bear with me 'til then!