For the longest time, I hated the very notion of calling myself an 'artist'. It always seemed like the kind of thing clueless wankers said about themselves in an effort to sound more interesting than they actually are. Perhaps it's because I've always been around musicians and artists, and there have always been a cohort that take themselves way too seriously.
It comes with the territory I suppose. Egos in the arts are probably as common as doctors with a god complex; it's nothing new and kind of stating the obvious. Although it's my dislike of egotistical artists that's always made me shy away from labelling myself as one.
After I sold my first painting a bunch of people said that I was a legitimate artist and could call myself one from then on. Except, I was working in a bakery at the time, so it felt a little weird to say that I held an identity that only accounted for a small part of my time. What's more, I felt like there was some kind of expectations associated with being 'an artist', which always put me off.
I didn't want to have to live up to any kind of labels, and to be honest I still don't. I really hate it when people assume things about me based on stereotypes, so using a label on myself always seemed like a good way to encourage more of that behaviour. Instead, I always used to find it more beneficial to keep my art on the down-low, so that when I did do something public with it, it would be a bit of a pleasant surprise.
In fact, there's something really exciting about having someone come up to you at your exhibition and say "I never knew you could paint". That's one of the coolest memories I have from my first solo exhibition. The other cool memories were when a total stranger talked in depth about one of my paintings and then bought it, and when the bartender who was working on opening night said that my work was "really hot".
Even then I never considered myself an 'artist' per se, as I was always doing other things at the same time. I suppose that up until recently I always had something else going on, so it never felt like my art really mattered all that much.
Lately though, all I've been doing is painting and working on my art. I'm no longer chasing any design work and am completely turned off from doing any sort of commercial art work in any form. So if I were ever to consider myself an artist, I think now might be the time.
As it is, my every waking moment is spent thinking about 'the big project', or actively working on it. I've had the house to myself for the past week, so the entire space has been taken over with canvases and half-finished paintings. All I've been doing is eating, sleeping, and painting. Hence why I feel like this is the best time to be thinking of one's self as an artist (if we are to think of ourselves as anything at all).
The flip side to this particular coin, is that I've also never encountered such anguish over my art than I have in recent times. While I think I've produced some excellent work recently, I'm pretty sure I've also made some huge flops along the way.
'The big project' requires a lot of paintings, so I've been consistently working to a theme and producing a clear series of work. This only emphasises the failures and the successes even more than if I were simply painting for fun. In fact, there are some paintings in the series that I completely dislike, but thanks to the need for quantity, they remain part of the collection.
Perhaps that's what happens when you dedicate yourself to your work one hundred percent. The good gets better, but the bad stands out like a tits on a bull. I'd love to think that saying I'm an artist means that everything I produce is wonderful, but the fact of the matter is that it simply means I'm not doing much of anything else.
At the end of the day I think I'm actually more comfortable with that definition. If a label simply indicated the frequency with which something is done, then by all means call be an artist. However, if it means that there's some kind of expectation of quality and consistency, it might be best to think of something else to apply.
After all, as much as I love the concept of this big project, I don't think I'll ever be proficient in a technical sense. So maybe I'm not an artist after all; maybe I'm just keeping myself busy with bright colours and crude shapes.