One of the most common things I end up thinking about when I write these posts is how time keeps moving, no matter what. It doesn't mind whether we contemplate existential conundrums, or furiously manifest creations; there's no such thing as stopping a constant. So when I think about reaching a moment of clarity that will inform my future, it isn't without a sense of irony that it took some time to realise that time must not be wasted.
I'm thinking that this isn't anything new for anyone half-conscious as they grow older and time continues to pass. Until recently, I've never really considered the fact that existence is finite and limited, beyond a passing recognition of age. It never motivated me to reach goals or accomplish arbitrary tasks, and even made most of my planning subject to short-term thinking.
This might have been fine in the past, but these days I find myself wondering what the best way to spend my time could be. Like I said, this probably isn't anything new, but it's been on my mind so we're heading down the hole either way.
I've never been all that interested in the typical life milestones that we are told to look for as we grow old. I'm a product of my generation and the idea of stable careers, home ownership, and family life are all a little foreign to me, as they're not priorities in life. At least, they haven't been priorities up to this point, but I'll never rule out the possibility of change, so who knows what the future holds. For now it feels more imperative to figure out some basic goals that otherwise would not enter a short-term mindset.
Take health for example; it's never been a big focus of mine. Sure I eat relatively healthy and I'm not into excessive drug abuse or anything like that. I smoked for what is now most of my life, but in the last couple of years I've managed to wind that habit down to almost nothing, so the end is nigh for nicotine addiction. Ultimately though, I haven't been as kind to my body as I probably should have been because it always seemed to be tied to vanity in a way that I was never comfortable with.
In my twenties, it never seemed like health was that much of a concern, as I stayed just as healthy no matter what I did or what I consumed. Now I'm seeing the results of a random diet and overall inactivity as I put on weight and continue a sedentary lifestyle. I'm old enough now to worry a little about where this path might lead and what that means for the time I have available to accomplish happiness in life. Previously I wouldn't think twice about health, but I find myself wanting to plan for the best these days. After all, I can feel time ticking by and I'd like to have as much energy and drive to continue living as long as I am able.
So I've been feeling like taking better care of myself, which is surely a good thing. I question it though because up until now, I wasn't into behaviour that took a long time to produce results. Maybe it's from having more experience with time, or a general fear of what's yet to come, but now I'm not so worried about results taking a while to appear. Instead I'm worries about negative outcomes that take a long time to create, but a long time to reverse as well.
Anyway, it's not just health that has me thinking long-term, but everything else as well. The whole existential desire of the ultimate acquisition of happiness that drives us beyond the day to day. A lot of it can't be planned, like the relationships we have with others. I don't think it's reasonable to say that I would like to have a certain type of relationship with a certain type of person, as we can never be sure where that spark of connection will come from. Limiting our options has always seemed a bit silly to me, so I'll continue to remain open to whatever interesting opportunities present themselves.
On the other hand, I believe that the best way to encourage relationships to grow and to invite new connections into one's life, is to be as content and happy with life as you genuinely can be. I always find that the best way to receive others, is to be receptive to life in general. When we're looking desperately for others to connect to, they're suddenly unavailable and impossible to find. It's only through honest contentment with life as it is, that we really open ourselves up for these chance meetings to occur. So to that end, all I can hope for is self-worth and to continue evolving to the best version of myself I can possibly be.
Funnily (and unsurprisingly) enough, the health thing ties into the relationship thing quite neatly as well. Without giving in to vanity, there's a certain amount of self-confidence that can be gained from leading a healthy life that satisfies our own needs. It's hard to be content and open to others when we're too busy worrying about our own short comings or insecurities, so anything that can be done to help them is welcomed.
However, the biggest aspect of time that weighs on my mind is the fact that it's always going to be lost. There's no chance of getting time back, or hitting the undo button to edit the past. I'm not the kind of person who has to be on the go all day to feel like I haven't wasted it, but I'm trying to focus a bit and become a little more productive.
The hardest part of this is figuring out how to get the most out of work-focused time, when I've never had a clear idea about the work I want to do. Well, to be perfectly honest, I've always known that the work I'm attracted to is never going to be a reliable source of income unless I get super lucky. Unfortunately luck isn't something to bet a career on and waste time pursuing when bills still need to get paid.
It's why I continue to work on my art and try to get better all the time, because in some way it feels like the chances of making a career of it go up a little every time I edge forward. At the same time, I doubt I'll ever be talented enough to make a living from creative projects, so I wonder if it's worth the time after all. The short answer is that it's definitely worth the time as I get a lot of pleasure from creating art, even if it's bad art that will never have a commercial return.
There are times that I think I should pack in all the "enjoyment" stuff and just get a job doing something that I'm capable of doing, just to earn some more money. I don't care about money that much, but I'd like to have a little more so that I could do some more things in life that require financial investment. Maybe it would be worth doing a job that makes me miserable, but allows for more enjoyable expenses. I've always believed that happiness is more important than money, and I stand by that one hundred percent. However, it's hard to balance the two ideas when it's difficult to find meaningful work that will earn a satisfactory income, while providing fulfilment and happiness.
I suspect that there are more people in the world working out of necessity than we like to think.
It's all very romantic to say that being poor doesn't matter when happiness can be found anywhere if we only look for it. It's easy to say that when you have a family, or meaningful relationships to fill your tank and make the crap parts of life worthwhile. My conundrum is always the caveat of trying to make the lows worth it, when any high points are few and far between.
Perhaps I wouldn't mind doing the mindless job if It provided the opportunity to spend more time with someone I love. I honestly think it would soften the malaise of drudgery to know that it's for a greater purpose. The trick is figuring out how to work when there isn't much of a greater purpose to work for.
Sometimes it feels like a double edged sword to consider contentment and existential happiness. Part of me is honestly content with life and needs very little to be happy, as I have enough self-esteem and confidence to be happy in my own skin. It might have taken me all this time to get here, but I can happily say that I like the person I am and I'll continue to learn and get better over time. Alternatively, I'm not content with the externalities of life and meeting the societal demands we are faced with every day like work and family. Finding the balance between the internal and the external is a constant struggle and something I'm still attempting to figure out.
What does all this mean though? It's one thing to think about everything and write about it here, but without some practical implementations, there isn't a lot to gain from the exercise. I suppose the health thing is always at the front of my mind because there's an easy path to solving the problem. By paying attention to my diet and making time for some physical activity, any health concerns will disappear, so it's of little concern. However, I now realise that it's important to start these processes right away, instead of waiting for some nebulous future date that never seems to come. There are times to make active decisions about when to tackle things, and that time for me is now.
With the constant passing of time, everything we do sooner means we get more time with the benefits. If I live healthy from this day onwards, there are more days I'll get as healthy days, which in turn will nourish happier days. Leaving it for a future date feel like eating into the amount of time I will have to enjoy the benefits, so it's kind of like robbing my future.
It's corny in a lot of ways, but recently this is how I've been thinking. As I write this though, I still haven't implemented anything meaningful, as this is kind of the first indicator of knowing what all of it means. I'm still an idiot when it comes to spending my time in wise and fruitful ways.
Maybe just thinking about it is enough to signify that it's time to make some changes. I'm not sure how to go about a lot of these things, but at least I know where I'd like to end up, so I think I'll try and work backwards from there. At the end of the day it's only going to help, right? I'm hoping that a lot of the happiness that's to be had in life can be found by creating an environment in which happiness can flourish.
Of course, the best part of life is also the furthest from our grasp. Relationships and connections are what really interest me, but neither can be forced or controlled. The best we can do is create the best circumstances for a spark to ignite.