I have no images to add this week, for the stupidest reason. Part of it's because I'm away from my office and don't have access to a scanner, while the other is that I don't have great internet access, so uploading graphics is a bit out of the question. Although, I suppose the reality is that I wasn't even going to make a post this week, until it was too late.
I was kind of hoping that number 50 would be a big deal or something, but it's probably true to form that it isn't. The real accomplishment comes in a couple of weeks anyway, as that will mark an entire year of making these weekly posts. I'd much rather celebrate that as something worthwhile than any arbitrary round number.
So I don't have any doodles to add to this post. As I already mentioned, I don't have access to my scanner and only have limited internet, which are all excuses that struggle to hold water. Ultimately I just didn't feel like I had much to offer this week, which you know must be pretty bad because I never have much to offer anyway.
It's been an odd week in a lot of ways, which I suppose is where my head's at right now. Oh, by the way, I'm writing this late, but I'm going to back-date the post so that it shows up as Sunday anyway. I always feel like I should mention that when I post late. Otherwise I feel like I'm lying or something.
Anyway, it's been an odd week alright. It started with a funeral, which I didn't end up attending as I didn’t feel up for it on the day. I feel bad for not going, because I think it's important to go to funerals and show the living that their loved ones meant something to other people. However, no matter what I think, I wasn't ready to do the deed on the day. Mostly I think it was because I knew I'd have to interact with a bunch of people that I haven't seen for years, and oh how I hate making small talk with people I haven't seen for years.
I went to a funeral many years ago, which attracted almost everyone I have ever known socially. It was lovely to think that everyone showed up, but I was distraught and hated the fact that I had to make small talk with people I didn't really give a shit about. It was like social normalisation was getting in the way of my grief… the invisible hand reaching in from above to fuck with you for fun. At least it felt that way because one particular person I had to talk to, spent the whole short conversation insulting me by criticising my hair cut.
I mean, who the fuck criticises someone's hair cut at a funeral?
So this week I chose to avoid these people (actually the same people) and mourned the loss in my own personal way. I know that the deceased would not have minded, and there were plenty of folk around for the family to know that they meant something to others, so I stayed away.
Later in the week I found myself in an uncomfortable situation that I bore, simply because I didn't know why it was so uncomfortable. As much as I would consider myself anti-social, I've never really considered myself to be socially awkward. So whenever I feel awkward in any given scenario, it usually throws me for a loop.
I thought about this for the next couple of days and reflected on the fact that I had found myself in a situation that I wasn't expecting. That in itself is enough to wear me out quickly, which brings me closer to the punch-line of this post.
Later in the week though, I was asking myself the same questions again, as I organised to be away this week to avoid another scenario. It's nothing major, just some work being done at home that would be disruptive to my daily routine, so I chose to take some time away until it passes. However, this sparked a conversation about why I choose to avoid that sort of thing, which got me thinking, and this brings us to the point.
I learned a while ago that I am definitely an introverted person, which is nothing special, but I honestly feel like that's the reason for a lot of this sort of thing. Unfortunately it's become one of those weird things that people like to say about themselves, like it conveys something desirable about their personality. Loads of people tell me that they're introverts whenever I mention it, even though they're probably more extroverted if they were honest with themselves, or understood exactly what it means.
Now, I don't profess to be an expert, but one of the key differences between what a lot of people think an introvert is, and what introversion actually is, is social scenarios. Many people think that if you're socially awkward or shy, you must be introverted, which is categorically wrong. Like I said earlier, I don't consider myself socially awkward, even if I don't fit in with a lot of crowds, I tend to always be able to chat along and be friendly and conversational most of the time.
Instead, think about introversion and extroversion as a reaction to stimulus and the effect it has on energy levels. To put it in a simple framework, an extroverted person will draw energy from external stimulation, while an introverted person will feel that their energy is drained by external stimulation. By the same token, an extrovert will recharge their energy by seeking stimulation through socialising and getting out there into the world. However, an introverted person will recharge their energy by retreating and having time-out from the world and all that draining external stimulation.
Of course, nothing is that black and white and it's more of a spectrum that we all sit on. There are varying degrees of everything, and a lot of people may sit somewhere near the middle as they straddle a little of both definitions. What I've learned over the years though, is that I definitely sit on the introverted side of the scale. I don't think I would put myself at the extreme end, but I firmly inhabit the introvert side, with little knowledge or experience of the extrovert world.
This means a lot of things about my day to day life, but I think it helps to understand this stuff because it helps us understand each other a bit more. In fact, it's the reason behind almost everything I mentioned that happened this week.
I avoided the funeral because I was already drained from grieving the loss of someone important to me, so the thought of ending up in a crowded room full of people I probably should talk to was overwhelming. As an introverted person who needs solitude to recharge, forcing myself to go to a socially draining situation while my tank was already empty, was far from appealing.
Later in the week I found myself in an unexpected scenario, which was a simple case of hanging out with more people than I expected. It might sound silly, but every time I socialise with anyone, there's a certain amount of pushing myself that goes on, as I know it's going to sap my energy fast, but of course I want to be social and spend time with other people. In this particular case I was expecting a certain amount of people to be there, and there ended up being twice as many, so I had psyched myself up and pushed myself to go and focus my energy on one scenario, only to find another. In this way, the added drain of more people to spend energy on feels very demanding to me, so I got confused and the whole experience felt like I was somewhere I Shouldn't be.
Finally, the work being done at home disrupting my day is as simple as having a bunch of strangers around the house for a number of days. I know that I can mostly ignore them and go about my regular routine, but there are those minor instances that would require a little bit of pushing myself to make the effort. For instance, what if I have to go out, so I walk past everyone working on the house. I would happily feel obliged to say hello and say a few words to see how they're going and all those niceties we throw around in passing. Except, walking out the door knowing that would happen is slightly more effort than I want to be bothered with when I'm just popping out of my home for a few minutes. It's a good excuse to avoid all of that and go away for a week where I can be on my own entirely. So it's not so much so that I can avoid people being around at home, it's more of an excuse to get away and be alone for a while.
Thus, here I am. Spending time on my own, away from everyone and without anyone to talk to or think about. I know it might sound selfish in some ways, but it's really not. I love to socialise and I love hanging out with friends and family, laughing and shooting the shit. After all, sharing life is what it's all about. Thankfully though, I know that having a week on my own and physically away from the rest of my daily life will ensure that my tank is full to the brim when I get back to it and pick up the routine again.
I suppose the point of writing all of this is to hopefully explain to anyone at the other end why I might disappear sometimes or seem to be a bit anti-social. I mean, I'm fairly anti-social as it is, but combine that with being an introvert whose energy gets drained with every external encounter, and maybe we'll have a better understanding of each other. There's no real subtext or mystery to my behaviour, perhaps I just need some alone time more than most people.
In other news, why to mosquitos always go for my feet? I've been eaten alive while I sit here writing this post and it's driving me nuts. Time to try and sort that out methinks…