I can't remember if I've talked about confidence much in the past, but it's definitely been on my mind this week. The usual theme might be how to overcome a lack of confidence, which is important to learn, although too much can be a curse. In fact, there have been many times in life that an overabundance of confidence managed to lead certain folks astray.
We live in a western world that favours personality and charisma over humility and character. It's just the way things are these days, so it's no surprise that having confidence in one's self is generally thought of as an essential boon to life. In many ways I'd agree and it's something I've had to work on in my own life, but a little perspective is always a good idea.
I post these crappy doodles without thought given to their quality, as I know that if I did, these posts would be blank. What makes it possible is that I've built up enough self-confidence to be crap at something and not let that get to me. After all the point of these posts has nothing to do with how good the doodles are, so if I post a bunch of bad drawings, they have no measure on my worth. If anything the words that accompany them are more important, as they stick closer to the point of exploring the creative process. The actual pictures are nothing more than proof of concept and effort, so there's little requirement when it comes to quality.
I'm not going to list all the avenues within which a bit of self-confidence can be beneficial, as most of us are familiar with these experiences. The interesting part for me (at the moment) is how too much confidence can be detrimental to our overall wellbeing and interpretations of reality.
The obvious end of the spectrum is the complete egomaniac, who has so much confidence that it doesn't even factor into things. There are countless downsides to being completely up one's own arse, so again I won't go into that. The interesting part is around the upper-middle class of confidence; somewhere above a useful sense of self-worth, but below an unbearable reliance on ego.
I often find this kind of confidence manifests itself when people talk about themselves and the traits they want to be recognised for. Where someone like me would often err on the side of putting myself down (which has its own set of issues), others are willing to spout any number of favourable self-assessments.
The core problem with a lot of these judgements, is that they tend to rely on assumptions and comparisons with others. When someone says "I'm so punk rock", they're often comparing themselves to those around them and assuming that they are more "punk rock" (whatever that means). I've been trying to think of a succinct example, but I'm struggling so I'll use a couple of moderate ones instead.
First is an ex-girlfriend, who was always distant in our relationship and never seemed to make time for me. They did loads of other things socially, but never included me and even cancelled our plans in favour of going out with her friends. Despite this, she claimed that she loved me and I believed her because I loved her as well. Although, one day I decided that I'd stop chasing her and continually trying to schedule time with her and hope it didn't get cancelled, and I never heard from her again. She literally never contacted me again or even said a word about anything… and we were supposed to be a couple.
Granted, I chose to stop contacting her as well and relationships are complex and tricky, so don't get hung up on the details. The point of the story is that recently she spoke about herself as being full of love to give, and how endless that love was. Her confidence in her ability to give and care for others was apparently sky high. Naturally though, I found this to be a little dissonant with my own experience.
The second was during a conversation with a friend who accused me of being "too conservative" and that they were "much more of a rebel". The same friend voted for the conservative party for government, and has a much narrower view on social issues than I do, but this was all based on their assumptions. The key one being that I don't really drink or do drugs these days. In fact, I rarely drink and I never do drugs. Thus, seeing as they do enjoy both of these things, they consider themselves more of a rebel than I am.
Obviously the big problem with such a statement is that it assumes one meaning from a subjective term like "rebel". Secondly, we all know that the only reason anyone makes statements like this is because they're insecure and want to find a way to put you down. Calling me conservative is definitely something I consider to be an insult, but it's unfounded and a complete fabrication, so it doesn't really work on me. Finally, the assumption that just because I don't drink much now and don't do drugs, so I must have never done those things and be sheltered or something. When in reality the reason I stay away from those things these days is because of an over saturation of them in my past.
Forget the silly contents of those stories, because the point is that both of these people had too much confidence in their assessments of self. My ex sees herself as an overly generous and loving person, but she withheld love and generosity from those closest to her. The rebellious friend showed just how transparent and insecure he was when trying to convince me of the opposite. Being too sure of themselves made both these people end up looking like fools who have no idea what they're doing, which is why I think confidence can be dangerous.
We all need a certain level of self-esteem and we should all be confident in our abilities to do well, but not at the expense of our own integrity. Maybe you can fake-it-til-you-make-it, but I would argue that authentic and honest perspectives are more informative and long-lasting. I think about it when I draw doodles and paint pictures, as I know I have enough confidence to make something, but I have enough self-awareness to know it might not be very good.
An overabundance of confidence makes it harder to receive honest feedback and utilise that information to improve ourselves. Opening yourself up to critical thinking and avoiding assumptions and judgement, is essential. We're all struggling to get it right, but sometimes I wonder if we're focused on the wrong outcomes. After all, while confidence is a desirable trait to have, too much will always end up hurting someone.